I.
Lying on my back,
stomach churning,
feeling like the prey of Death.
Jolts of pain
throughout my bones
in every nerve
in every tendon.
Utter silence
broken by electric static;
swirling in darkness,
eyes stabbed by light:
the prey of the Devil—
her young body has betrayed her.

II.
Tension, tension, and more tension everlasting—
frustration rising and writhing from the centre of my spine at the солнечное сплетение the эмоциональный центр—
oh Sun oh Son come down and deliver me from this body of half-life.
Who is with me but You?
Who is with me but You?
Only if I can dissect this nerve shall I be allowed to pass
through this gate this gate of death of life's understanding and meaning—
Her Most Selfness has not yet arrived. She is waiting beyond the door.
She is hiding behind the door. She is waiting for you to open the door.
Open the door, Evangeline. I want you to open the door.
But wait, my dearest! I cannot open the door.
And why can you not open the door and pass through this gate?
That door this gate is locked to me that door this gate is sealed with fate.
Think! think and you shall think into being a restriction enzyme.
And you shall place this nerve in the restriction enzyme. If only you can
cut the nerve apart you may open the door unlock the gate and pass through.
And so I cut the nerve apart. And what was inside but Love mixed with envy
mixed with resentment mixed with misunderstanding mixed with carelessness
mixed with pain mixed with fear mixed with anguish—
I looked at each of these and cut each apart and found distorted Love
and adulterated Love, contaminated Love comprising all of them.
And the Guardian looked at the gate and the door and saw that a bit
of the lock had broken off and fallen away to the depths of the תְּהוֹם תֹהוּ וָבֹהוּ.

III.
VANITY OF VANITIES, ALL IS VANITY. VANITY OF VANITIES, ALL IS VANITY. VANITY OF VANITIES, ALL IS VANITY. behold me for I am Judas Iscariot I have found no salvation I have found no light no meaning no truth in this world I have searched and found Nonbeing I am a fool for I have said in my heart There is no God for he is withdrawn from my sight-hearing-touch-smell-taste VANITY OF VANITIES ALL IS VANITY VANITY let there be darkness for there is no light I have seen the light obliterated in a fit of NOTHINGNESS I am not true the world is not true all is lies lies lies I have searched my crooked heart for light and there was none for dust I am and to dust I shall return I was formed from ashes and to ashes I shall return VANITY VANITY VANITY VANITY VANITY VANITY VANITY VANITY VANITY VANITY OF VANITIES ALL IS VANITY VANITY OF VANITIES ALL IS VANITY VANITY OF VANITIES ALL IS VANITY VANITY OF VANITIES ALL IS VANITY everything that is is ugly no it is not ugly for that would imply beauty exists but there is no beauty nothing is beautiful all is STERILE and WITHOUT LIFE Oh God where art Thou? Shall I blame Thee for this or not as you are not there LORD JESUS CHRIST SON OF THE LIVING GOD HAVE MERCY UPON US SINNERS LORD JESUS CHRIST SON OF THE LIVING GOD HAVE MERCY UPON US SINNERS LORD JESUS CHRIST SON OF THE LIVING GOD HAVE MERCY UPON US SINNERS there is no refuge in the vineyard of the Lord there is no refuge in the kingdom of Annwfn there is no refuge anywhere there can be no fleeing for there is nowhere to flee I am dying and God is a Lobster VANITY OF VANITIES ALL IS VANITY may you be blessed for many years and have many happy returns but NO you are DEAD your light the last remaining in this planet of shit was extinguished and yet I am trapped here sinking dragged through the slime and the mud the Last Man or perhaps the Last Woman without a chest VANITY OF VANITIES ALL IS VANITY VANITY OF VANITIES ALL IS VANITY VANITY OF VANITIES ALL IS VANITY VANITY OF VANITIES ALL IS VANITY VANITY OF VANITIES ALL IS VANITY VANITY OF VANITIES ALL IS VANITY VANITY OF VANITIES ALL IS VANITY VANITY OF VANITIES ALL IS VANITY VANITY OF VANITIES ALL IS VANITY VANITY OF VANITIES ALL IS VANITY VANITY OF VANITIES ALL IS VANITY and no I said no I will not No.

IV.
So a god has snatched from me my all
In the curse and rack of Destiny.
All his worlds are gone beyond recall!
Nothing but revenge is left to me!

On myself revenge I'll proudly wreak,
On that being, that enthroned Lord,
Make my strength a patchwork of what's weak,
Leave my better self without reward!

I shall build my throne high overhead,
Cold, tremendous shall its summit be.
For its bulwark—superstitious dread,
For its Marshall—blackest agony.

Who looks on it with a healthy eye,
Shall turn back, struck deathly pale and dumb;
Clutched by blind and chill Mortality
May his happiness prepare its tomb.

And the Almighty's lightning shall rebound
From that massive iron giant.
If he bring my walls and towers down,
Eternity shall raise them up, defiant.

V.
And the lock fell away, and here I stand.
The gate creaks open just an infinitesimal bit
as sense and meaning collapse before me.
A great staircase winds up beyond
while a voice calls, 'Evangeline, are you ready to climb?'
So I lift up my foot and place it on the stair
but a great grinding gravity pulls me down and slows me.
Her voice grows dimmer and dimmer: 'Evangeline! oh, Evangeline!'
And thus I feel a great drive erupting through my spine
almost propelling me up the steps
lifting me
higher and higher despite the steepness and the force.

Oh ܩܲܕܝܼܫ ܝܘܿܚܲܢܵܢ ܡܲܥ݇ܡܕܵܢܵܐ,
I am a fool, for though I believe,
I have much fear. I fear being lost,
and of falling in the chasm
over which I must leap.
Place the reel in the projector
and let the film run;
let me see what stays there,
and that which fades away, for
सब्बे संखारा अनिच्चा.

Yet still, within me I feel a flame,
a strong fire that melts into one
the shattered pieces that make up
myself.
And in this internal forge, a link
of desire is made and made strong.
The desire to go on the ܐܘܿܪܚܵܐ
to find the ܫܪܵܪܵܐ ܘܚܲܝܹܐ,
for ܠܵܐ ܐ݈ܢܵܫ ܐܵܬ݂ܹܐ ܠܲܐܒ݂ܵܐ ܐܸܠܵܐ ܐܸܢ ܒ݁ܝܼ,
and so I have attained faith.